At our church, the pastor has been talking about living by faith, from Hebrews 11 and 12. This morning, he spoke about how Moses parents hid him when he was born, because they were not afraid of the Pharaoh’s command to kill all the Hebrew baby boys. He also mentioned how Moses was not afraid to reject the privileges and status of being Pharaoh’s adopted grandson, and chose instead to be identified with his people, who were slaves to Pharaoh. He then asked what we are most afraid of. I immediately thought of the place in the film The Two Towers, where Aragorn sees Eowyn practicing her sword skills, and crosses swords with her:
Aragorn: You have some skill with a blade.
Eowyn: The women of this country learned long ago, those without swords can still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain.
Aragorn: What do you fear, my lady?
Eowyn: A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.
Aragorn: You are a daughter of kings, a shield maiden of Rohan. I do not think that will be your fate.
Over the last several years, I believe that God has given me His burden for the plight of young adults on the autistic spectrum, for for how He wants to help them to adapt to the demands of college and employment. This did not come in a single flash of insight, but rather has been growing in my mind and heart for the past three or four years, confirmed by many passages of scripture, as well as prayer, and the counsel of other godly believers. Over time, the desire to help these kids has become so intense, that it seems to have taken over my life. I believe that God has shown me how these young people are capable of so much more than what most people, and especially the state and their professionals, expect from them. I have come to see them as a powerful creative force. A force that could be unleashed to accomplish amazing things, if only someone would come along side them, help them identify their strengths, and develop those strengths into useful skills that can help them earn a living. And also to help them overcome the weaknesses that so often limit them from fully participating in the worlds of higher education and work. For the past four years, I have read dozens of books and learned many new skills in an attempt to help my oldest son Paul, who is now in his last year of high school, to develop his talents in the areas of film-making, screen-writing, animation, and visual effects. And specifically in the past year and a half, I have spent the majority of my nights, weekends, and vacations learning do develop interactive web applications and games. As I said – it’s taken over my life.
For the past 23 years (yes, I’m that old), I’ve been a C/C++ software developer, specializing in high-performance 3D graphics applications. Years ago, I used to tell people my life’s ambition was to write cool software on fast computers. I founded a company in the late nineties, with this as our stated goal. And (for a geek like me at least) there’s something cool about working on high-end Silicon Graphics computers that cost more than most houses. And having one of those computers in your house. Of course I can buy a $500 laptop today at Best Buy that outperforms those computers. And the company that I started eventually let me go. And none of the software I built back in those days is still being used. Even software I built in the last couple years has been laid aside – with very little chance of ever being used. And every day, I ask myself – why do I have to spend my life building things that will, at best, be forgotten in 10 years? Well, like most folks the answer is a mortgage. And groceries for my family. A car to drive to and from work. A little entertainment here and there. And like most American families – debt. We’re on the Dave Ramsey plan, and making good progress, but some holes take longer to climb out of than others. And every day – I make myself get up, get dressed, and go to a job that has become, at least in comparison with this burden that I think God has given me, incredibly pointless.
So this is my cage. The cage that I fear. The cage in which many Americans live out their lives – “until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire”. I have sought counseling from quite a few very godly Christians, who have all pretty much told me the same thing: Stay at your job until God provides something else for you to move to. And I know that they are right, and I know the scripture that says that if you don’t provide for your family, you have denied the faith and are worse than an unbeliever. So I’m not planning on doing anything desperate, like quitting my job or joining a commune. I also have some scars from a situation a few years back where I quit my job (after being counseled to do so), and I believed God was calling me to start a ministry. But it never took off, and six months later I was back at my old employer, tail between my legs, asking for my job back. After that experience I vowed, if ever I again found myself on the edge of a metaphorical cliff, and a voice said “Jump!”, I would at least turn around and see who the voice belonged to first. Do you know that saying we often glibly quote: “Where God guides, He provides”? No one ever adds “but sometimes it takes 40 years in the desert first”. I know all these things, but it does nothing to dim the passion that burns in my heart to help these kids. And what about Matthew 6:31-33?
So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
How exactly does one balance the American lifestyle and this passage? Is needing to earn a particular salary the same thing as the prayer that Jesus models a few verses earlier in Matthew 6: “Give us today our daily bread”? I don’t have answers for all these questions right now, but there are two questions that I do think I know the answer to. The first is the question our pastor asked: “What do you fear?”. For me, it’s a cage. The prospect of having to continue doing work with dubious lasting value, while there are people around me that I want to help right now. The second question is implied by the first: “What are you going to do about that fear?” And for me, the answer is that I am going to choose to believe, no matter what “facts” or “realities” might say otherwise, that God would tell me essentially the same thing Aragorn told Eowyn: “You are a soldier in my army. A son of the King. That will not be your fate”.
We have worked with Derek over the last couple years to know the boundaries that he cannot pass. At first we considered a fence – but the only fence that could physically contain Derek would be an eight foot chain link fence – maybe with concertina wire on top. Which of course would not be cheap, legal or attractive. So we ended up buying a lot of surveyors fluorescent tape, and stringing it all around the house. This worked for a while – as long as the tape was there – Derek knew he would be in big trouble if he crossed it. We even took it with us on camping trips – stringing it all around our campsite – to keep Derek from wandering off into the woods and injuring bears or something.
